if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
