Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize