singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
