I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize