i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
