Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
