I saw his package. It spoke to me.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize