Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
