I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize