dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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