I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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