in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize