did you get engaged???
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
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