Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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