Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
