Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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