I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
