who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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