they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
