i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
