There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
