i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
