help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
