woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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