A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
