What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
sex in a hospital.. check
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He has the fingertips of a God
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