There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
