did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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