take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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