he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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