Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I need mimosas to revive my soul
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
