if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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