It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
