Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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