How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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