Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
