I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
