i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
We need to get me chipped asap
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize