I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
