I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
