fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
