why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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