I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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