My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
