I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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