I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
