Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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