I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
