omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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