Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
