you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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