who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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