saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
