I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
