I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
