Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
