Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My bed smells like the plague
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
