last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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