My friends, they love my intelligence
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
