This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
