Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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