woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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