I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize