I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
