FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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