Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Dear god my vagina.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
