Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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