There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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