woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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