Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm at about main and main street
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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